Day 2 – Looking Back On My Life and Ruminating

Looking back on my life, I think I’ve always sucked at “white collar” work. I mean, I have a college degree in business from a respectable college, I put in the work, I paid my way through school, I even used the government loan deferment period to pay off my student loans at the 0% interest rate. So why am I so bad at working in an office?

It’s like my mind goes blank whenever a task needs to be completed. I’ve never really “owned” anything at work – meaning, I’m used to being given orders and doing what is expected of me. I don’t really design projects, build environments around them, and then “act like the CEO” of that project.

I hate that phrase – “Act like the CEO of [insert work product here]”. Maybe that’s why I can’t get ahead. I’ve always grown up with the phrase of “there are too many cooks in the kitchen” or “there are too many Chiefs and not enough Indians”. I guess I was missing the scale of what that phrase was talking about. I always assumed it was at an organizational level not a project level which is what I think was people were referring to.

These types of thoughts have been circulating in my head over an over.

Back to my “progress” with the ADHD. I spoke with a doctor that could actually prescribe medication. Apparently, I have a comorbidity which basically means when you have one thing wrong with you, it typically comes as a package deal with a friend. In my ADHD’s case, his friend is Major Depressive Disorder. Apparently, I scored a 17on the questions around depression… Out of 20! Ha! Yea, so I’m up there I guess.

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** Got glued to YouTube shorts (~15 min)

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Kind of weird because I frequently joked about “my entire life being built on negative reinforcement” – I thought that was normal. I never thought that would be masked depression.

Hell, to this day I still can’t take a compliment! I’ve always known that negative thoughts had a tendency to swirl around in my head and they would pile up on top of each other but… I would just forget and move on with my life. Thanks, ADHD?

So I’ve been on Wellbutrin for a few weeks now. The first couple of days were actually pretty good. I didn’t think any majorly depressive thoughts, or at least linger on them for more than a few minutes, and I actually was able to power through a whole bunch of really boring things that I would normally get really distracted out of doing within a handful of minutes of starting those tasks. The first week or so was great but it started fading off after that. Now I’m back to my old ways of downward spiral thinking and jumping between tasks and leaving everything partially done.

Funny story – yesterday I was using the bathroom and I said to myself in my head “You should take out the bathroom trash and empty the diaper genie when you’re done because you’re headed downstairs anyway”. Tomorrow was trash day so that would have been pretty efficient. As soon as I finished washing my hands, no more than 5 minutes after that though, it totally slipped away. I went back downstairs and as soon as I looked at my wife and I knew I had forgotten to do what I told myself to do literally 5 minutes ago!

Anyways, that’s all for today.

See you next time,

Lost Millennial